Your Yearly Honest Horoscope

I assure you, we used all this scientific mumbo jumbo to configure each one of these.

Virgo (8/23-9/22): You enjoy being the sidekick or indispensable assistant. This year, knock it off. 

Libra (9/23-10/22): You're indecisive, avoid confrontations, and carry grudges. This year, get in a fight.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21): You're passionate, intense, and probably muscular. This year, find a worthy adversary. 

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21): You're unemployed and probably an alcoholic. This year, knock it off and get a job. 

Capricorn (12/22-1/19): You're a condescending know-it-all and probably really annoying. This year, knock it off. 

Aquarius (1/20-2/19): You're boring. This year, knock it off. 

Pisces (2/19-3/20): You tend to be a victim, fearful, overtrusting, and sad. This year, knock it off and grow some balls. 

Aries (3/21-4/19): You're courageous, have an athletic body, and everyone hates you for it. This year, knock it off. 

Taurus (4/20-5/20):  You're stubborn, uncompromising, and possessive. You also seem like a fat ass. This year, knock it off. 

Gemini (5/21-6/20): You have scattered energy in too many places at once, are nervous, and have a short attention span. This year, get treated for ADD. 

Cancer (6/21-7/22): You're manipulative, you cling to the past, you're insecure, and you're a pack-rat. . .but you probably have prominent breasts. This year, knock it off (unless you're a woman, then the last part is okay). 

Leo (7/22-8/22):  You're an asshole; you're constantly arrogant, stubborn, inflexible, and lazy. This year, knock it off. 


As foretold by Arena Govier and Tom Knoblauch