Sex Toys and Dolphins

Living in a household of phenomenally empowered and progressive women is a life experience everyone should have. In every discussion, from politics to religion, you get insights into the roles of gender, specifically women, as well as sex’s position in the issue. Whether it was during the presidential campaigns or a more recent trip to a sex shop, larger issues are always available upon which my roommates jump to elaborate and inform. While searching for bachelorette party gear at this particular store, we had the opportunity to engage in some particularly stimulating conversation. (And for fear of this whole entry becoming a succession of sexual puns, I will henceforth disengage from such colorful vocabulary… or at least try to.)

So I found out that the sex toy industry is largely unregulated. It seems pretty obvious, but unlike sex toys’ passive friend, porn, they can actually hurt you… really, physically hurt you. Their manufacturers, instead of according to FDA regulations (which themselves are another issue), sell their dildos and butt plugs under the “novelty” category, which eliminates necessary standards for something to be a medical device. Why is this a relevant issue? The industry has erupted, interestingly enough, in spite of the recession. And without real regulation, things like phthalates can slip into your covers and cause some damage. While some claim they are harmless, they have already been effectively banned from children’s toys (having been known to cause harm), which spurs action for a ban for adult toys as well. Additionally, things like product construction can lessen healthfulness of a particular toy, so it’s critical to be informed. There are lots of concerns…

Namely, that dolphin sex toys are a “thing.” Ha! You thought this whole article was either going to be about types of sex toys, with lots of fun visuals, or else a boring expose of the unregulated industry and its dangers from a feminist perspective. Well, it’s changing topic right now. My wonderful friends also introduced me to this piece of information about dolphins while we were in the sex shop, and shoot me, but this conversation made a deeper impression on me. I remarked upon the oddity of a dolphin-shaped vibrator whereupon one friend casually replied that was likely because dolphins rape people…

WHAT? How the hell do these things still have a good name as being intelligent and cute and fun to swim with? I know I really should have paid more attention to the other topic of sex toy safety, but I was compelled to research this dolphin stuff instead. And I have yet to come across information that contests the fact that dolphins have underwater sea caves inside which they engage in violent sex, rape of other animals or each other, as well as attempts at humans. Obviously they are hiding their criminal, disgusting nature from people when they are in captivity and have no dark depths to take people for little swims, but they want to nevertheless. Actually, I really don’t know if it’s more disturbing to me that dolphins are the oceans’ sex offenders, or that people like to use them to masturbate. Does that fall under S&M…?

Anywho, be careful of which sex toys you buy, because poor regulation can let some scary things slide. Always check out credible sources first; do your research. Also, be careful where you swim. And don't, for the love of all that is good, buy a dolphin vibrator.